"Good to see you again, this is a home to me."
girls are so hot???? like i see a hot girl every 2 seconds. and a hot guy about every 2 weeks. and even then i’m wary because he might end up yelling something rude at me or making a rape joke or something
"as a straight male, i ppbppbpttt hhptpphhptpp hpbptpphptppthpbbphbh"
i just walked past 2 construction dudes and one of em just said “i don’t think they’re right-handed or left-handed. they’re just dogs.”
most common thought: damn haha im going to have to deal with that sooner or later
Christians call The Bible “the greatest story ever told” almost as if they’ve never heard John Mulaney’s Salt and Pepper Diner